Friendship and meeting new people as a woman

With an added sprinkle of neurodiversity thrown in to complicate things

My stomach was churning, my palms clammy and ALLLLLL the thoughts were rushing through my head. ‘What if they don’t like me?’ ‘What if I talk too much?’ What if they think i’m too opinionated’.

I’ve made a new mum friend over the summer that I really like and last Thursday I met two of her closest friends (also mums from the school my eldest goes to) at a local wine tasting event.

I think its down to a lifetime of being told I’m too much, that I should just stay quiet and try and get everyone to like me, but every time I meet new people it plunges me into a panic.

Ever since I was diagnosed with ADHD at the start of this year, i’ve tried to allow myself to just be who I am. No censoring, really trying not to mask my behaviours (because it’s fucking exhausting and i’m tired) and just try and be me. For my entire 37 years i’ve been putting on an act, showing only the more palatable parts of my personality to the world because that was how I was told I should behave. Not sure if this is a neurodiverse thing, or just life as a woman?! This intersection is complex for sure!

I really feel I can be myself with this new friend, probably more so than some of my oldest friends, and she loves me for it regardless. She even sent me a text after the wine tasting saying how much she loved spending time with me. (You should absolutely do this the next time you have a lovely evening with a friend). It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and really proud of myself. That I’ve been brave enough to show all the parts of my personality to this friend and she still likes me for just being me.

I struggled at school to make friends, probably because I’m pretty stubborn, happy doing my own thing and refused to conform to the social hierarchy. I also struggle with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) like many neurodiverse people. So probably didn’t feel able to open my true self up to people, for fear of being rejected.

But while I didn’t have loads of friends I did have a few key people in my life who enjoyed my company and I enjoyed theirs. Pretty much none of them are in my life now, so I do sometimes wonder why I gave it so much time and headspace when I was in it.

Was I scared of being lonely? Was it the innate need in all of us to belong to something? Or was this just another way I was trying to conform to society’s and other people’s expectations of me?

So many goddam questions!

For now I’m happy (and also a little scared still) meeting new people and showing my wonderful, loving, loyal and fierce self to them. If i’m not for them, that’s ok. I always have my garden and my plants to fall back on!

On that note, I wonder if I could ask you a question:

Whats the one thing you wish I could help you with right now?

A - Help me sort out my mess of a garden

B - Help me design and create a garden I can relax in

C - Help me find the time to garden

D - Help me know what i’m doing in the garden and when

E - Help me know where to start with making my garden look good

Let me know the letter in the comments below or hit reply if you’re reading via email.